Imaginary Diary of an Ang Moh in Singapore
9am: Wake up. I’m sooo hungover. Maybe I shouldn’t have said yes to that last drink at dblO. I definitely shouldn’t have said yes to that trip to O Towers. I always get into fights there and end up missing all the fun. Oh well, might as well enjoy while I’m young, right?
10:15am: Still haven’t left for work. Screw it, the interns can cover for me. That’s what they’re paid for aren’t they? And they’re so shy they won’t even dare say anything when I get there. Oh, the things I get away with in this country!
11am: Got to the office right on time, just as the boss was looking for me. Not sure if he noticed I was late. I’ll need to take him out for drinks one of these days to get back on his good side. Good thing he’s a Westerner like me, makes it much easier to find a common ground!
12pm: Just enough time to check Facebook and watch a couple of videos before heading out for lunch. Not sure what I’ll have today. No way I’m going to that dirty hawker centre. I still don’t get how locals can eat that greasy food. Salad it is!
12:15pm: Managed to avoid going to lunch with my Singaporean colleagues. They’d probably bore me with some stupid Korean drama I’ve never heard about or with their high score on Candy Crush. Ugh.
1:30pm: Perfect. The lunch rush hour crowd is gone. I really can’t stand being shoved around while trying to enjoy my meal. Doesn’t anyone appreciate meals in this country? Whatever happened to sitting down and actually enjoying your food instead of shoving it down your throat and congratulating yourself on how cheap it was?
1:35pm: Oh look at that. This lady thinks her tissue packet entitles her to this seat. Too bad she doesn’t know my favourite past time is taking the packet and then pretending I don’t know what happened to it. If there weren’t so many cameras around I’d probably take some of the cell phones and access cards people leave on tables. Just to teach them a lesson.
3pm: Back to the office. Oh, great. Someone had some of those stinky garlic fish head soup thingies that stink up the place. Thanks for that!
3:14pm: I need a nap. Maybe if I lock myself in the toilet I can catch a few minutes of peace and quiet. Oh, actually no. Those toilets are always disgusting. I’ll never understand why people here still haven’t gotten the simple concept of the non-squatting toilet…
3:30pm: Got a series of texts from that girl I met the other night. I kind of like her. Even if one of my friends told me she was probably someone’s maid. Maybe I should just blow her off. When did I get so superficial? Oh, yeah, the day I moved here.
4:30pm: Just what I needed. A meeting about a meeting we should have next week. For a country that prides itself on its efficiency they sure love talking about doing things and never actually doing them. Maybe that’s how I’ve managed to get a great career here.
4:43pm: The boss isn’t looking too happy. If he asks me about that report I’ll just blame someone else. After all, it’s my Foreign Talent word against someone else’s, right?
5pm: Need to leave this stuffy office. Fast. What is it with Singapore and the aircon at full blast? Would it kill them to open a window once in a while? When did they become so scared of fresh air and natural sunlight?
5:15pm: What a surprise. Not a taxi in sight. I sincerely don’t understand how a city so proud of its technological advancements can get to a standstill as soon as it rains a bit too much. They’d probably drown if they spent just one month in my hometown where a rainy day is the norm!
5:30pm: Finally, a cab! Oh, great. He drives like a maniac. Hope my salad doesn’t make a comeback…
5:36pm: Sorry Uncle, I only have this 50 dollar bill. What, you don’t like it? Well too bad. ATMs only give out 50 dollar bills, maybe you should have anticipated that instead of making me feel like I’ve intentionally inconvenienced you.
6pm: Home sweet home. What a day! Time to hit the condo’s gym. Or maybe go for a swim? Whichever it is, I need to work on my body if I want to stay popular with all the exotic ladies in this country.
6:30pm: Skipped the gym, went straight to the casino. Nothing like a thick wallet to attract the ladies!
9pm: Made it back home, slightly tipsy and a little richer. What a sweet, sweet life. Girls, gambling, and carefree fun.
That’s my Singapore.
That’s my Singapore.